To explain my absence... And any future ones.

[choi jaehwa]

This is kinda hard for me to admit, but it needs to be said so you all understand why I disappear for a huge amount of time.

What you guys don't know about me is I have an eating disorder. It's called EDNOS - Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. It's like the grey area disease - I am primarily ana in how I diet (skipping meals, overexercising etc), have dabbled a bit in mia (it's been six months since I last did though. Accomplishment ), but I am still a healthy BMI index, so I'm not underweight or properly anorexic.

I have been dealing with this disorder for six years, this March coming up seven. I have never had any type of treatment program, A because I have hidden it so successfully with my Mum, or B she wouldn't agree to it anyway (she's a Christian who believes psychology is a bunch of crock, and every ED is demonic and needs an exorcism.)

I deal with depression a lot, and often retreat into my shell. I lose my love for life, I don't get on and play games or do RPGs, and I kind of stop communicating to my friends around that time. That's when my eating disorder gets worse.

So far it's been kind of bad, I'm going back into my old habits. I'm down to 600 calories a day or under, I exercise obsessively, I even scratched the word "FAT" into my arm with the tip of a ballpoint pen. I was 46 kg a few days ago... I've already lost a kilo.
I also have these two other disorders. So I don't confuse you with big long names, basically it's hair pulling and skin picking. I mainly attack my cuticles with the second - my nail beds are often destroyed, red raw and bleeding from my constant picking and biting. Hair pulling I go for my eyelashes, head and body hair like my arms and back of my neck.

I have been literally self-torturing myself for a few months now. My neighbours cancer has metastisised so much the doctors said there is nothing more they can do, my school work suffered, and I got so stressed my old "control" habits kicked right back in.

Even though I don't know you guys all /that/ well, I just had to explain why I've been gone for such a long time. Depression made me withdraw, and my eating disorder is once again getting worse. "I feel like I've become a clown trapped in a glass castle" - and every pane of glass is distorting reality, how I see myself, and my grip on reality.
(PS - how many of you get that reference I just made? hehe)

[lee seunghyun]

Hi! I'm pink in the c-box. Though we've never written together, I thought I'd reply here because I can't say nothing to something like this.

Anyway, I wish you the best in getting over your eating disorder! Though I've never had a bad habit on such a level, I've had friends who've gone through what your going through and who've come out, since I knew them in high school, healthier, more confident, and more secure. Reading stuff like this just makes me hate that WE MUST BE SKINNY message the world puts out to us women, that we must worry about our bodies, and constantly compare ourselves to each other.

I'm just some random person on the internet, but I do hope you get over this, eat more, and learn ways to not let stress get to you. RP is one of the ways I escape from stress, but there are plenty of other ways to get away from it too. I understand the loss of appetite sensation, too, that comes with being sad and stressed. I had a rough episode from a nauseating sexual advance from a guy I was fond about over the summer. Guys make me really nervous when they're intense like that... and to get that behavior from a guy I seriously looked up to was the most disillusioning betrayal. Afterwards, I couldn't eat anything but chocolate for literally a week. I simply just couldn't stomach anything but chocolate, and everything else made me want to puke, and I was so weak and tired all the time. I never felt hungry, like eating my feelings was enough to keep me sated. I lost a lot of weight, and it was awkward coming back back to school where people congratulated me about how I looked thinner.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to feel better and eat lot's of delicious food!

In the mean time, this web comic always lifts my mood. Though it is about the depression that can be overcome, not the kind that sinks you deeper and deeper in that nihilistic attitude, it has always helped me pick myself up c: